I am a soon to be 34 year old fat activist who is still terrified of going to the doctor. Being in the advocacy community and admitting that you still struggle is pretty hard. I preach that we will all be learning forever and I know I need to give myself grace here. Admitting is the first step, right? There is a part of me thats so firey and willing to fight these huge battles. There is also a scared part of me that doesn’t want to have to fight when I am already in a vulnerable situation. So naturally, I have been using avoidance as an act of self preservation. Let’s talk about it.
I can easily remember the first time a doctor shamed me for my weight, I was probably in elementary school. I remember the shirt I was wearing, pink long sleeves that was intentionally baggy in the mid section. I recall the doctor talking to my mom about me like I wasn’t sitting on the exam table. I can still feel that shame that coursed through my body when I heard “just some extra weight around the middle she needs to lose”. This is probably when I learned that doctors weren’t to be trusted. Being treated as less than human by someone rarely doesn’t bode well for patient trust. First lesson, doctors made you feel bad.
My second most blaring memory was when I was 18. To be honest we didn’t have medical insurance for most of my teen years so I didn’t go much to begin with. The only medical care I had be receiving was from the County Public Health office that would provide a year of free birth control. I still remember the doctor. She was pencil thin, harsh features and gray hair pulled back in a low pony. The only reason I remember her face so clearly was due to her very visible disgust for my body. And remind you this was a yearly OBGYN appointment. So you know super vulnerable. This woman looked at me like I was the biggest failure of all time. She berated me and made me feel like I was a complete failure. When I was just there for birth control, like a responsible sexually active 18 year old.
Want to know what happened next? A year of dangerous restrictive behaviors. A year of not feeding my body what it needed and rigorous exercise. After a year of killing myself I went back to this doctor to “show her”. During out appointment she mentioned that my BMI was still bad so I need to keep up the work. Shit. Nothing was ever good enough. No amount of restriction. I was barely eating and still wasn’t “healthy enough”.
I shut down after this experience. Terrified of being treated like literal garbage from a medical provider. I don’t think I went back to a doctor until I was 23 and this was due to a chronic back injury from.. you guessed it excessive exercise. I was avoiding the doctor at all costs. The place that was suppose to keep me safe and healthy was causing such emotional harm that I stopped going. I don’t think I am alone here. I know I am not from hearing countless heartbreaking stories.
Especially from larger boded people going through pregnancy. I was forced back into the medical world when pregnant. I had dangerous pregnancies that led to months in the hospital. I was still shamed for my body size and made to feel like I had done something wrong to put my children in danger. OBGYNS treat fat people like dirt. I have never met one that had made me feel good about my body. So I haven’t been since I had my last child… almost 5 years ago.
I am coping through avoidance and self preservation. While this feels safer mentally, I know this is dangerous for my body. The avoidance runs so deeply with my terror for the medical community. A community that is so obsessed with the very racist Body Mass Index that they refuse to actually see me as a human. A community whose members online have told me I deserve health issues for lack of compliance. Not the mass studies that show weight loss isn’t sustainable. Insert eye roll.
I don’t have an answer here. Just wanted to let you know that I am struggling too. That your fear is valid. That medical trauma leads to neglect, abuse and early deaths of individuals in larger bodies and other vulnerable communities. What is the point of medical care if not to support your patient? What’s the point of being a doctor if you dislike fat people or believe that Black people have a higher pain threshold (yes, thats a thing). The medical system is suppose to be providing us a service and are failing and understanding the bigger picture.
Just know you deserve regular medical care. The system is broken not you.